Tunnels

I went for a run on a gorgeous trail along the Saluda River today.  I should call it a run-walk as I have to slow it down a few times along the way, but I'm going to say I did some HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) to make myself appear more athletic and cool.  So, I did some HIIT today and at the end of one of the toughest legs of the trail, there is a tunnel.  It's more of an enclosed, wooden bridge, but I think of it as a tunnel.  I've learned through my runs on said trail that after this tunnel, it is time for me to slow my roll.  And I found myself chanting "To it and through it", "To it and through it".  I did this, in order to concentrate on two things:  steady, deep breathing and not throwing up.

At the end of this tunnel, I began to walk and meditate.  This is probably why I'm not good at the meditation thing - I'm always in motion unless sleeping or drinking wine.  And hell, I have one of those wine glass holders that goes around your neck devices, so I can even jet around while slurping grape.  Anyway, I was thinking deeply and it came to me...  our lives are paths with tunnels.  We see them down the way and if we can get to it and through it, we make it to the other side.  Perhaps sometimes we're throwing up, but through it nonetheless.  The tunnel may represent something scary, traumatic, uncertain (fill in the blank), but if we make ourselves get to it and stare into the opening instead of zigzagging from side to side in front of the damn thing and exhausting ourselves, we can get through it.

No one knows how many tunnels life's path is going to construct. It'd be like guessing how many cottage cheese dimples we're going to end up with and where.  So we better become practiced in being in the tunnels that may be dark, echoing and with shaky boards as we're walking across, but by God, we can get through them to the other side and the sun will be shining on our bodies and we'll be able to run some more.

This is a Doing What I Thought I Knew because I've done more than my share of zigzagging.  Time for the To It and Through It as much as I am able.

Roll Me Away

Today is my 45th birthday, so I felt I should write something.  I'm a bit at a loss due to a week-long intake of cold meds, extreme work clutter, the bug man making a tremendous amount of noise outside of my office and well, damn it all, having a brain that is 45-years old.  As I try to write this, my brain  went to a thought stream around the bug man - "Why is he making so much noise?  I thought their job was to wander around and spray chemicals?  When will he be finished?  Will his boss notice if he never shows up for work again if I strangle him?"  So this may be tough, but here goes...

I'm 45 years old, presently living in my daughter's house, work for myself with no stable paycheck, have no potential hunks in my life and am about to move across the country away from all my peeps, including my obsessively-loved dogs.  My friends and family tell me they envy me.  Hell, even strangers I meet tell me they envy me.  Some are probably being honest, but I bet when I walk out of the room, my Mom, Dad, Brother and a smattering of my friends say:  "What the hell is she doing?  Should we have her committed?"  But it's happening and I'm so excited I could bust an internal organ from giggling so much.

It's scary and exalting all at the same time.  I will explore, be lonely, have fun, probably eat and drink too much, rebel, revel, and most importantly, learn.  Learn about who I am, who I was, who I can be, who I want to be...  and all by myself.  It's not that I haven't moved before or experienced being alone - Jesus H. Christ, I've done that more often than I like to admit.  But it's a different time and situation.  I've spent many years planning and living my life around the people (and dogs) I love and let me tell you something, it's been worth every joyous and/or stressful and/or heartbreaking minute.  These minutes have made me who I am and I pray have had impact and meaning on those with whom I've spent them.  In my opinion, that is the making for an awesome existence on this earth.

So, in closing, I will quote my imaginary lover's words, especially when I speak of travel and adventure, Bob Seger:
"I could go east, I could go west,
it was all up to me to decide"...

This is a Not Knowing What the Hell I Am Doing.  But rollin' just the same.